Today I was finally able to put words to the emotion which as been bothering me for sometime now. Loneliness. I spend a lot of time with people, but I always feel alone. I do not trust people. I may seem to, I may seem like I have no problems besides my physical ones, but what most people don't see are the emotional problems which plague me. I am one of those people who will hide everything. I used to have someone to talk to about these things, but I don't feel safe opening up to them anymore. They have their own problems to deal with and the problems of one of their best friends, and don't need to deal with mine too. I am isolated from society because of the walls I have put up around myself. They may appear to be more see through then they were last year, but all people see is a sliver of who I really am. I am not always happy. I do not always smile. I actually tend to frown and try to hold back tears as I am working. I keep myself busy so that I always have a distraction near at hand. I don't have a free evening from now until after Christmas Break. I need to stay this busy or I am going to self destruct thinking too much.
I wish I could trust my friend again, but there is a terrible rift between us. I don't know how Christmas break is going to go. I know what I want to do, but I don't think that is what I should do. I am afraid of throwing myself at them and I am afraid of if I hold back then we will lose even more. There has never been a time when I have felt so torn. I truly want to trust him, but I do not know if I could bring myself to allow him to know me so well again. He still feels like my second half and I miss him even more because of that, but I don't know if I am imagining things or if I am seeing this as I should.
Christmas will tell I suppose. I need to stop worrying about him and my other friends. And so, it's off to bed for me. Contemplating any further could prove disastrous.