It's time to put the walls back up. I need to protect myself here to avoid losing myself again and getting hurt again. I don't know what I want. I'm afraid of what is going to happen when he comes home. I don't want to lose myself completely again. Separation is a good thing sometimes but I don't know how I am going to react when we see each other again. 7 months is a long time and I have changed so much since we last saw each other. It's fair to say I am scared and more then a little nervous (the two are not the same in my mind)
Nervous is the feeling that you get when you don't know how to react or how you are going to do, while scared is when you are truly fearful. I know that doesn't make much sense, but I don't know how else to articulate it.

And so the walls go up and I bury my emotions and go write my paper