Things are getting a bit hairy here. I feel that my life line is fraying and I am about to fall without a hand hold in sight. I don't know what to do anymore. I have a killer 3 days and if I survive it will be just short of a miracle. I have 2 papers and an assignment all due on Tuesday or Wednesday and dress rehearsals or performances Tuesday Night and Wednesday Night. I hope I survive and will crash Thursday night because it starts all over again on Friday.

Ok, fears vocalized. I can hopefully sleep now...

Time to stop all this useless worrying, it is only making things worse. I need to step back and remove myself from the situation until I know which way it's going. So here I step back and allow things to move on with out me. That the way these things work for me

So, this is workable. I don't have to build my walls as high as I thought that I would have to. It seems possible for me to have some protection but I do not need a complete fortress to protect me from the destructive elements of my life, I have the ability to manage them and to actually repel them, which is a most appreciated change as of late. I can do this and I can maintain friendships without having to look for relationships everywhere which is something that I have been struggling with. It is a pleasant knowledge. One hug will tell a lot about someone and one's feelings for them. But this further affirms another situation. Oh well. I'll survive.

It's time to put the walls back up. I need to protect myself here to avoid losing myself again and getting hurt again. I don't know what I want. I'm afraid of what is going to happen when he comes home. I don't want to lose myself completely again. Separation is a good thing sometimes but I don't know how I am going to react when we see each other again. 7 months is a long time and I have changed so much since we last saw each other. It's fair to say I am scared and more then a little nervous (the two are not the same in my mind)
Nervous is the feeling that you get when you don't know how to react or how you are going to do, while scared is when you are truly fearful. I know that doesn't make much sense, but I don't know how else to articulate it.

And so the walls go up and I bury my emotions and go write my paper

Bah! I can't keep doing this much longer. I think I am going to go crazy if I have to keep waiting. I want to talk to him about this, he is the one who I would normally talk about it. I wish I could tell him how I feel. I think he knows though. I don't know how much longer I can wait and hold on to my feelings. (I know this sounds desperate) I know we need to talk about some important things in person but I don't know if I can wait that long 4 weeks is an awfully long time. I feel torn and like I need to throw up my walls again. I don't want to have to do that, I have so enjoyed being me and being sociable for once. I think I shall talk to him tonight, if he's on line and in the mood to talk rather seriously. I can't get him off of my mind. Everything reminds me of him not matter how much I try to avoid those thoughts. Not much more can be done I suppose. Time to put up some walls, but not to recreate the whole fortress.

So... I have been to busy to think the last couple of days. I have been working on a paper and everything else that still has to get done around that. I guess I could say that things have improved. I am calmer, not so ready to give up and go hide under a rock. I believe that I would what if myself to death if I wasn't busy right now. I actually have a whole day where I don't have to work or go to rehearsal, which is so rare in my life these days, so I am going to go to Heritage Park and see a whole bunch of old friends. I think I am going to have to go back there and work again this summer. I truly enjoy my time there, there aren't many people who can say that they love their job so much they actually miss it. I learned a lot there this past year, I can talk in front of a group and I learned how to lead and how to follow. I also learned the very important skills of wearing dresses, heels and keeping a white apron white. It is very interesting all the unique skills you learn while immersing yourself in history. It is not unusual for me to still fall back on my habits from there. I wash most of my dishes by hand, I clean the stove and actually am in the habit of good manners and sitting up straight. And where else would I teach people how to make butter, ice cream and popcorn all in on the same day. :)

Anyways, no real pyscological problems to work through today. I seem to have a huge knot in both my shoulders so leaning on my arms is really painful, especially on the left. I screwed up my wrist on Tuesday (again). It seems that as soon as it gets better it gets worse again. What a bad cycle. It's frustrating to say the least. I will have to keep going to physio, it just seems to never heal. Oh well, at least my knee is healing, though who knows for how long, it held for nearly 4 months this time. Stupid chronic injuries, must be time to get out of marching band.

Class is almost over now, so Hi Ho Hi Ho, it's off to home I go...

I've come to a couple of conclusions recently. I cannot control the effects of fate. I can attempt to lessen them in appropriate circumstances. So, I need to swallow my fears until they are necessary to be known and I will have to learn how to deal with them. 'Nother thing to start bottling up.
I also need to allow my fears to be known to those who need to know. I am in two situations: one where I am caring to much about someone very dear to me and a potentially dangerous situation which is upcoming in the near future and the other is a more difficult one which I tried to address in my last post.
I don't know what to do about that one. I believe that the guy knows how I feel, he can read me like a book and we can have entire conversations finishing each others sentences. We haven't seen each other in 7 months and in that time his girlfriend has broken up with him and he turned to me for support. He knows how I feel about him, but I have put my feelings aside for the last 5 months to let him get over her. I don't know if this has ever happened. Things began to escalate during Thanksgiving long weekend. We tried to date long distance, but an old conflict came up and we had to put it off or risk losing our friendship. He started talking about his Ex two weeks later, claiming that he truly loved her. This broke my heart. I waited so long for him to be over her. I don' t know what to do now that I don't know where we stand. We still talk almost daily, even if we are simply hanging out on MSN and not saying much. I am having trouble not taking him back immediately, even though I really want to. I think that we need to talk about the conflicts which caused our split in the first place. I don't know if this is going to help at all, or if it will cause the final split between us. I hope it doesn't I have the feeling that I would be completely lost without my 'second half'. But back to fear, I am going to have to swallow this fear too until December 19th. He come home not long before that and I need to be able to deal with this and not fly off the handle at him. I know he deserves it, but I am protecting him from me and not allowing my fury to influence me too much.
Time for contemplation and reinforcing a few mental walls.

Today I was finally able to put words to the emotion which as been bothering me for sometime now. Loneliness. I spend a lot of time with people, but I always feel alone. I do not trust people. I may seem to, I may seem like I have no problems besides my physical ones, but what most people don't see are the emotional problems which plague me. I am one of those people who will hide everything. I used to have someone to talk to about these things, but I don't feel safe opening up to them anymore. They have their own problems to deal with and the problems of one of their best friends, and don't need to deal with mine too. I am isolated from society because of the walls I have put up around myself. They may appear to be more see through then they were last year, but all people see is a sliver of who I really am. I am not always happy. I do not always smile. I actually tend to frown and try to hold back tears as I am working. I keep myself busy so that I always have a distraction near at hand. I don't have a free evening from now until after Christmas Break. I need to stay this busy or I am going to self destruct thinking too much.
I wish I could trust my friend again, but there is a terrible rift between us. I don't know how Christmas break is going to go. I know what I want to do, but I don't think that is what I should do. I am afraid of throwing myself at them and I am afraid of if I hold back then we will lose even more. There has never been a time when I have felt so torn. I truly want to trust him, but I do not know if I could bring myself to allow him to know me so well again. He still feels like my second half and I miss him even more because of that, but I don't know if I am imagining things or if I am seeing this as I should.
Christmas will tell I suppose. I need to stop worrying about him and my other friends. And so, it's off to bed for me. Contemplating any further could prove disastrous.

An Opening

Well, this is a starting place. I am a second year English major, History and French minors student. I am exploring the world of literature and history and seem to be able to apply the theories which I learn to life constantly. The concept of fiction and reality is especially important in my life as I am one to read too far into things and find hope where there is none to begin with. I struggle with comprehending people around me and their actions. I can truthfully say there are maybe 2 people who I understand the majority of the time and even fewer who understand me at all.
I deal with a lot of problems in my life but it is rare that they pile up and have serious consequences. When they do, it's usually very bad and I only trust one person at these times. I usually try to stay busy so I can focus on other things then the problems at hand and then they build up and eventually overflow.
I may end up posting some of my writings on here, essays, critiques, thoughts, poems etc. If they appear on here, note they are my personal opinion on things and not to be taken personally. It is rare that I write something with the intent of hurting someone and when I do, I probably will not share it.
But this is getting long enough and I still have a chem lab to finish writing which is now due in only 9 hours.

Ciao