Due to some experiences this weekend, I now know where I want to be in life. I am there already. To have someone who can take away the pain with something as simple as a hug is one of the greatest gifts anyone can be given. I am so grateful of this person. I don't know if they understand how much of gift it is to have them in my life. I don't know what I would have done without them this past weekend. This has been one of the scariest times of my life and I probably wouldn't have made it without them being there for me. And so I say thank you and that I hope that we never must go through that

For Always - Josh Groban

I close my eyes
and there in the shadows I see your light
You come to me out of my dreams across
the night

You take my hand
though you may be so many stars away
I know that our spirits and souls are one
We've circled the moon and we've touched the sun
So here we'll stay

For always, forever
Beyond here and on to eternity
For always, forever

For us there's no time and no space
No barrier love won't erase
Wherever you go
I still know
In my heart you will be
With me

From this day on I'm certain that I'll never be alone
I know what my heart must have always known
That love has a power that's all its own

And for always, forever
Now we can fly
And for always and always
We will go on beyond goodbye

For always, forever
Beyond here and on to eternity
For always and ever
You'll be a part of me

And for always, forever
A thousand tomorrows may cross the sky
And for always and always
We will go on
beyond goodbye

Awake - Josh Groban

A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me

And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same

And I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see

We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today

And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today

All of these things are adding up to a very confused Emily, who is now in a period of transition again. I think that this is about number 4 this school year, and I am hoping that they stop soon. I am happy where I am at the moment. Life could hardly be better. K, there are a few things that could be better, but they are not going to happen for about 11 months now. I have a wonderful boyfriend and a couple good jobs. I have a goal in life and a means of reaching it. I am staying relatively healthy and none of my limbs are injured in a way that I cannot deal with it, and it is rare that they are so bad I cannot manage it. Life is good right now. I am happy where I am.

I have made a couple of friends. One in particular, where I trust her beyond what I thought was possible. I am coming to terms with my past and am moving past it. I reached a point where I can talk about it with a couple of close friends.

I am happy with the turns that life has taken these past couple of weeks. The river is starting to reach a delta, where the water is calm, slow and clear. This seems to be the norm for quite a while, with some minor twist and turns along the way, what is beyond the next major bend I do not know. It might be a huge waterfall or maybe a merge with another river, where this one goes I do not know. I hope that is a merge that is coming around the corner, for I can hear it flowing beside mine and we seem to be flowing the same way and at the same pace. They are starting to flow into each other and the intermixing of the two seems to be getting deeper and stronger with every passing eddy.

Life is speeding up here. Everything is starting up again, and it is looking much better then it was the last couple of years. I have come up with some interesting thoughts about what I am going to do with my life. I want to use my degree and will become a high school teacher I think. It does not make sense for me to focus so intensively on one subject, especially such a dull one, and not use it later in life. I am happy with this, especially knowing that I can do it and will not have to make any major lifestyle changes. I can only foresee two major changes, on of which is going to set the course for the rest of my life. I am nearly prepared to move out on my own. I need to build my savings to be able to afford to live, but I am nearly ready to do that. With my two jobs I will be able to make it through the semester without a problem, and picking up another two as soon as school is done, I shall be financially secure for a while, but I know that I shall have to start to limit myself and save seriously for the next 12 months or so. I hope to be out of the house by this time next year.
I have learned a lot these past couple of weeks. I have started to allow myself to relax and be sociable. I am go4e to take down the walls which I hide behind.

I am also continuing to grow and am amazed daily by how much people accept me for myself. I simply can be myself and not worry about what others think. People don't really care who I date, in fact they are happy that I am in a relationship.

TBC

where did i lose myself this time. what did i do to deserve this self treatment. i dont know where i turned down the wrong path. i am not ready to do this. i cant do it any more. all i want to do is curl up and cry. and never have to walk this path again. i know that i will never pass this way more then once and i have to make the best of what faces me, but i cannot help but think that i can make a turn off up ahead and bypass this rocky time. i dont want to go back to school but i need to because i made the commitment. i dont want to go back to band but i made the commitment and i will see it through to the end. i just hope the rewards are equivilant to what i am putting this year. if not then i will have just nearly crippled myself and fucked myself over for the rest of my life. and i will probably never forget what i have accomplished but i feel like i am stuck in limbo and nothing can get me out except for some drastic change. come september that is what is going to happen i believe.