Every once in a while life needs to take a 180 and look back on what was, is and will be. Usually this time for reflection takes place around New Years, but this year I have found myself avoiding looking backwards, avoiding the past horrors and trying to write a new chapter in my life instead. I have purposely been adding changes to my life, though it seemed at the time I was over loading myself with them. I moved, got a new landline, a new best friend and am working on renewing and refreshing everything surrounding me. Usually this means simply cleaning but this year it is a physical change. And it is working, I am in a better frame of mind to tackle to world and keep looking ahead to what this year is going to bring with it.

Everything is falling apart right now. I feel as though I am in the midst of a downwards spiral where there is no bottom and no safety rope or chances to stop my free fall. I feel the smiles slipping away. Disappearing into an unknown place, hopefully to be found again, but with the chance of being lost forever. I feel like there is no place where I can go where the pain does not exist. There are temporary relieves but no where that I can feel that all my problems are solved. I am searching for the one place where I can feel safe. That one place where I can go and never have to leave. I had one at Stampede but that has been torn away from me. I no longer enjoy going. It has become a place of pain, fear and much frustration. I need to find a place where I can be myself and not have to worry about anything. I need an escape and I cannot find a trap door anywhere. I feel as though life and everything attached to it is pressing in on me from all sides and is threatening to crush me. I don't know how to escape or how to stop the pressures on me from overwhelming me. I want to go and hide from the rest of the world and simply live.

I don't know how but I need to go off and find meaning within life again. Without meaning, life is not worth living and right now I have no meaning, no direction, no goals in my life. None which I have set for myself. "What purpose is there to life if you have nothing to strive for? Without purpose life takes on a meaningless path." This is what I am searching for. All my goals have been accomplished on one level or another and now it is time for me to find a new challenge. I need something to do, a distraction if it so pleases the reader, a way to be useful. I don't have the patience for crafts and i need something physical to do. but I dont know, it is time to stop these musing and get on with attempting to live life.

So I finally found a picture of one of my favorite horses. I rode this horse for years and I loved him with all my heart. He passed away years ago after an asthma attack, but he will always hold a special place in my heart. He was the first horse I did anything on. He changed the direction which my life has taken and I don't know where I would be if I did not have him in my life.

Sometimes those who seem to be your worst enemies an turn out to be actually count you as a friend simply because you treat them with respect. I was tormented by a group of girls named Lisa in elementary. They are the reason why I learned french, I went to a different junior high to get away from these girls and the only was that it was possible for me to do this was to enroll in frnech immersion. There I got a chance to start over, meeting a totally new crowd of people. This time I was better prepared to deal with being rejected by people. I was used to sitting by myself and had learned how to bury myself in books to avoid people. I started to eat lunch with people in grade 7. I would talk to people in gym class and made friends in my section in band. Thank god for band, with out it I don't know what I would have done. When I was feeling overwhelmed with people, I never was one of the cool kids, they continued to disdain me, I went and played my trombone. I learned so much that year. I got confidence by finally doing something that others couldn't and that didn't carry huge steryotypes or cliques in it. Playing trombone gave me something to hide behind. It was common knowledge that trombones were either introverts or huge extroverts, I had a built in excuse to go and hide by myself in the corner. I started to actually talk to other people. I got to know some of the grade 8s, they accepted me and I could spend time with them hanging out in the art room, laughing with Mr. J. Then I met a group of friends, who were like me, outcasts from the cool people. they were rather goth and I got really into that. I still like it, I find it interesting and it is part of me that I could accept and it allowed me to get away with wearing hoodies and baggy clothing without people judging me too hardly. It also, for the first time gave me an identity. Here I was introduced to a lot of things, makeup... Jonny Depp, obsessions, as well as dragons, gothic culture, art and metal music. Its funny, I was hanging with a whole bunch of gothic people, but all the smart people, or the people who didn't fit in else where were there too. One of my most intelligent friends was met during this period, sitting on the bench out side of the art room. With him I discovered the joy about talking about books and started to make comparisions and arugements supporting my ideas about them. This is a skill that I use daily. Our simplistic arguements back in junior high eventually stemmed to what we do today, constant bickering and teasing. Grade 9 was a turning point for me. I started to become who I am today.

The summer between grade 9 and 10 was the most influential in my life, as well as the one where I learned the most. I lived at a stable for 6 weeks and learned so much. I learned to ride any horse I was asked to get on. I learned how to take care of 12 kids at a time and how to keep them safe around horses. I learned basic vetting, tacking up english, western, dressage. I learned to lead horses while riding on, I learned the basics of so many things. The only time I left that barn was to act as a groom for my friend who was teaching me basic dessage and to go to band camp. That band camp was one of the best times of my life. I lived in a dorm with my best friend, I got the experience of actually playing trombone and feeling competent in my skills on it. I took my first trombone lesson, played with some amazing players and got the foundation for where I am today. Because it was an olympic year, we did band olympics. We did events like conducting, learning another instrument, relays, writing songs and my favorite Marching Band. This was my first experience with marching band besides the recruitment videos I saw every year in band class. I was lucky and had a Stampede DM in my group, so we actually got to march properly and had really formations and subsets. I think we might have won the competition. Right after this I competed in my first rodeo and lost horribly but had so much fun while doing it. I was riding a 4 year old horse who I was training and we were able to compete both english and western without any major problems, they were all rider error, I had never done anything like that before. I learned to lead out trail rides, take a horse swimming and do all sorts of things that you simply don't get to do when you ride a urban stable. I had two of my own horses, Magic and Smoky, no one else could do anything with them. Magic was my all around mare, we could do anything and I tried to buy her but I couldn't afford to keep her in Calgary. Smoky was the horse I was training, we started learning to jump, run barrels and also learn the basics like standing to be tacked up and groomed, we learned ground trying, being comfertable in any saddle and discipline. I also had an evil pony names Whisper, who I was breaking to ride. This stupid mare nearly killed me. I got her to the point where we could walk out the trail head without any explosions or balking and then turn around and walk comfertably back without a fight or jigging. I learned so much from her.

In grade 10, I came in as the shy girl. One boy who seemed to be in all my classes on the first day said Hi to me and he totally changed my life that day. I went home for lunch happy, for the first time since moving to Calgary, 5 years later. This boy was cute, I had a crush on him from the first time he stopped by my locker to say hi and then he got swept away by the crowd taking the short cut by the library. This boy taught me so much. I went home, not knowing his name, but already considering him to be a very good friend. We played in the same section and we very quickly became unseperable. I learned his name was Greg and he invited me to go to band camp with him, september of grade 10. He told it was a marching band and that he would like me to go see if I would enjoy it. When I got there, there was no question about whether or not I would going. I was given music and a intro to marching the Friday of band camp and then I dove in head first and never looked back. 5 years and two bands later I still love it. Sure that first year was a bit of gong show, but nothing compares to marching your first Fanfare or parade. Playing rock paper scissors in the show or learning how to block for the first time. We had so many fun times, and I think that my first year of stetsons was one of the best years of my life. I did so much and learned to much. I made friends and was accepted as member of a group. No one cared who I was, as long as I did my job as well as possible. It was marching band which got me through high school. I made friends who stayed with me through all of school, working hard together towards a common goal is a very good motivator and group strengthener. I learned so much in stetsons, I travelled overseas and to the states. I march in parades and field shows. I got to compete in a world championship and place 13th. I learned to play percussion and learn how to read treble clef. I got to play fun music and some really hard music. It helped me grow so much as a person and as a musician. I lost a lot of friends too. Because I loved marching band, people who didn't like it or gave up on it shunned me because of my passion for it. I learned that I don't have to be friends with everyone, but I do have to live with everyone so I need to treat them with respect and adknowledge them and their ideas. This is one of the greatest lessons I have ever learned in my life.

It has become even more important as I am doing things like university and stampede. I meet a ton of new people everyday and I have to work with them, because that is the way life is. I cannot choose to not work with someone, I may not like it, but I will still do everything that is asked of me, and usually more seeing that is how I am. Showband has taught me a lot. I have worked with some of the top musicians in the world and have had experiences that I would have never had if I wasn't in this band. I have seen a crowd leap to their feet in excitement. I have seen people cry because musical emotions. I have played and sang pieces written for my ensemble. I have slept overnight on a bus and been known internationally because of my tee shirt. Stampede has given me so many gifts. I know I can push myself beyond my physical limits and I can work through pain and problems and work until I succeed at it. I get to travel to Europe this summer and have a chance of going to worlds for a second time.

The showband also gave me one more great gift, a man who has helped me a lot. He taught me to trust and to love and to not be afraid to be me. He is probably the only person who knows me better then I know myself. He is like my twin and we are so similar it is almost scary some times. I love this man with all my heart and I believe that I can love him without people being judgemental of us. I think that this is what one might call a soul mate. I am not afraid to be myself and he lets me be free, which is something which I never had in another relationship.
This is almost 2000 words long, which means I need to move on. This is the longest blog post I have written ever.

After a rather eventful week so far I am ready for a break. So ready in fact that my body decided to give me one. I have been ill with the flu since choir on Monday and finally managed to make it back to school today. What a day, a written assignment in English at 8 am, Computer test at10 am, when I got screwed over by a look up table and a pivot chart, History midterm at noon and now a presentation at 2. I am happy that I am well enough to come to school today, I don't know how I would have made all this up while keeping on top of everything else that I have to do.

I also feel like a complete idiot because of yesterday. I was talking to someone and misunderstood what they said and nearly flew off the handle in anger. I learned the power of the word and how missing it could affect someone so much. I think I will always watch what I say, and make sure that I say exactly what I mean to say and making sure that all the necessary words are in my phrases. It is something for me to keep in mind.

Em

Due to some experiences this weekend, I now know where I want to be in life. I am there already. To have someone who can take away the pain with something as simple as a hug is one of the greatest gifts anyone can be given. I am so grateful of this person. I don't know if they understand how much of gift it is to have them in my life. I don't know what I would have done without them this past weekend. This has been one of the scariest times of my life and I probably wouldn't have made it without them being there for me. And so I say thank you and that I hope that we never must go through that

For Always - Josh Groban

I close my eyes
and there in the shadows I see your light
You come to me out of my dreams across
the night

You take my hand
though you may be so many stars away
I know that our spirits and souls are one
We've circled the moon and we've touched the sun
So here we'll stay

For always, forever
Beyond here and on to eternity
For always, forever

For us there's no time and no space
No barrier love won't erase
Wherever you go
I still know
In my heart you will be
With me

From this day on I'm certain that I'll never be alone
I know what my heart must have always known
That love has a power that's all its own

And for always, forever
Now we can fly
And for always and always
We will go on beyond goodbye

For always, forever
Beyond here and on to eternity
For always and ever
You'll be a part of me

And for always, forever
A thousand tomorrows may cross the sky
And for always and always
We will go on
beyond goodbye

Awake - Josh Groban

A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me

And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same

And I know that only time will tell me how
We'll carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

We'll let tomorrow wait, you're here, right now, with me
All my fears just fall away, when you are all I see

We can't stay like this forever
But I have you here today

And I will remember
Oh I will remember
Remember all the love we shared today

All of these things are adding up to a very confused Emily, who is now in a period of transition again. I think that this is about number 4 this school year, and I am hoping that they stop soon. I am happy where I am at the moment. Life could hardly be better. K, there are a few things that could be better, but they are not going to happen for about 11 months now. I have a wonderful boyfriend and a couple good jobs. I have a goal in life and a means of reaching it. I am staying relatively healthy and none of my limbs are injured in a way that I cannot deal with it, and it is rare that they are so bad I cannot manage it. Life is good right now. I am happy where I am.

I have made a couple of friends. One in particular, where I trust her beyond what I thought was possible. I am coming to terms with my past and am moving past it. I reached a point where I can talk about it with a couple of close friends.

I am happy with the turns that life has taken these past couple of weeks. The river is starting to reach a delta, where the water is calm, slow and clear. This seems to be the norm for quite a while, with some minor twist and turns along the way, what is beyond the next major bend I do not know. It might be a huge waterfall or maybe a merge with another river, where this one goes I do not know. I hope that is a merge that is coming around the corner, for I can hear it flowing beside mine and we seem to be flowing the same way and at the same pace. They are starting to flow into each other and the intermixing of the two seems to be getting deeper and stronger with every passing eddy.