Everything is falling apart right now. I feel as though I am in the midst of a downwards spiral where there is no bottom and no safety rope or chances to stop my free fall. I feel the smiles slipping away. Disappearing into an unknown place, hopefully to be found again, but with the chance of being lost forever. I feel like there is no place where I can go where the pain does not exist. There are temporary relieves but no where that I can feel that all my problems are solved. I am searching for the one place where I can feel safe. That one place where I can go and never have to leave. I had one at Stampede but that has been torn away from me. I no longer enjoy going. It has become a place of pain, fear and much frustration. I need to find a place where I can be myself and not have to worry about anything. I need an escape and I cannot find a trap door anywhere. I feel as though life and everything attached to it is pressing in on me from all sides and is threatening to crush me. I don't know how to escape or how to stop the pressures on me from overwhelming me. I want to go and hide from the rest of the world and simply live.

I don't know how but I need to go off and find meaning within life again. Without meaning, life is not worth living and right now I have no meaning, no direction, no goals in my life. None which I have set for myself. "What purpose is there to life if you have nothing to strive for? Without purpose life takes on a meaningless path." This is what I am searching for. All my goals have been accomplished on one level or another and now it is time for me to find a new challenge. I need something to do, a distraction if it so pleases the reader, a way to be useful. I don't have the patience for crafts and i need something physical to do. but I dont know, it is time to stop these musing and get on with attempting to live life.